I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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