I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
