this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i came on her dog
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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