I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Randomize
