I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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