Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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