I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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