there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
