I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
