I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
