Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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