I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
