In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
