We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
