hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
