And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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