Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
