The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
My life is pants optional.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
where are my eyebrows?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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