Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I feel like abortions should bother me more
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
