Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
