apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
