omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
