i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
