I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
