Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
