someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
