no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
