I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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