You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
