My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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