so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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