i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Fuck appropriateness.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
