GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
