i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
