Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
