I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
