i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
