You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
