i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
