wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
