I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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