remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
