Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
