Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
