I'm jealous of your bromance
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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