My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
