dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
