i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
