If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
