ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
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I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
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I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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