she was so not down for the gang bang
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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