First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
