I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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