Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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