A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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