apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
