If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
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Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
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Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.