if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!