I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.