Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
